title: between two streams flowing at opposite directions... our faces get lost in eternity!
form: visual artwork (including sketchs of a kind of game is an artist played with mutlu polat and a letter is an artist send to mutlu polat, many years ago)
The letter:
“MY CINDERELLA, MY WINDY SKINNED GIRL! MY COOL, MY CHILD, MY SESAM-SCENT ONE! MY FOOL! MY LOVER! TIME IS PASSING SO SLOWLY.
EVERYTHING I SEEK IS HERE; I’M NOT WRONG: ALMOND TREES, JUNIPERS, PINES, DAISIES, YELLOW WAGTAILS, SPARROWS, DOVES, FINCHES, THE SMELL OF THE SOIL SOAKED WITH RAIN, A VAST SKY WRAPPING AROUND YOU... 10 DAYS PASSED SINCE I ARRIVED HERE. OTHERS WHICH I NEVER SOUGHT, BUT WHICH I HEARD OF, I SENSED, FOR WHICH I THOUGHT I WAS WELL EQUIPPED BY THINKING THAT I HAD EXPERIENCED THEM IN ONE WAY, DO NOT ALLOW ANYTHING. YOU COVER YOUR SOUL WITH A THICK ARMOR IN ORDER TO MAKE YOUR BODY TO SAY WHAT YOU ARE EXPECTED TO SAY, TO DO WHAT YOU ARE EXPECTED TO DO. YOU ENSURE YOURSELF TO FORGET EVERYTHING YOU LEFT BEHIND, WHICH YOU TEMPORARILY QUIT, ON WHICH YOU ARE THINKING AND TO WHICH YOU WOULD RETURN; YOU SAVE THEM IN YOUR SOUL. YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR SENSE OF JUSTICE AND YOUR HONOR PRECEDING IT, WITHOUT A MEMORY, BUT YOU KNOW YOU MUST CARRY IT IN YOUR MIND WITH THE POWER OF YOUR MEMORY. AND YOU DO. WITHOUT IT YOU WOULDN’T EXIST, AND IT IS VERY EASY TO CEASE TO EXIST HERE.
I GOT YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER IN IZMIR AFTER STAYING HERE FOR A WEEK. I CALLED IT FOUR DAYS BETWEEN 8 IN THE MORNING AND 10 AT THE NIGHT, BUT THERE IS NOBODY HOME. I PLAYED FOOTBALL YESTERDAY AT REST TIME. I HADN’T PLAYED IT FOR 7-8 YEARS. I SCORED TWO GOALS, AND GAVE AWAY ONE. MY KNEE TENDONS WERE HURT. AT THAT EVENING I WASN’T ABLE TO WALK. I WENT TO THE SICK BAY. THEY ALLOWED ME TO TAKE A DAY OFF. SO NOW I AM AT THE BARRACKS; FOR THE FIRST TIME I ENJOY FREE TIME TO REMEMBER, TO THINK, AND TO WRITE IF I CAN. THERE ARE 20 DOUBLE BUNKS IN FRONT OF ME, THREE WINDOWS LOOKING TO TREES, SINGING BIRDS AND THE SUN, AND A COOL SPRING WEATHER WRAPPING AROUND ME. WHEN I THINK OF YOU THE FIRST IMAGE SPRINGING TO MY MIND IS THAT YOU RUN BY OPENING YOUR LEGS WIDE TO TRAIN THE CHILDREN. OTHER IMAGES ALWAYS FOLLOW IT. I DON’T KNOW WHY.
...
MANY DAYS PASSED. I FOUND YOU. I TALKED TO YOU. I’VE BEEN TO ANTALYA, AND CAME BACK. THERE I DREAMED OF BEING WITH YOU. TOUCHING YOU ALL DAY...IN FACT I DON’T KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN. WILL WE POINT THOSE HARD THORNS AT EACH OTHER AGAIN, WHICH GAIN STRENGTH FROM WHAT WE KNEW, OUR SINGLENESS, IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONVERSATION? MY LONGING AND DESIRE DON’T GIVE A DAMN TO WHAT I DON’T KNOW. IF I SAY “AGAINST ALL ODDS”, IT WON’T MEAN TO JUDGE YOU OR THAT I FEEL WOUNDED. IT’LL JUST MEAN A SEARCH FOR PROPER WORDS TO DEFINE ALL OUR ACTIONS, ALL OUR BEING, WHICH ACCOMPANY THIS INABILITY OF MINE TO GUESS WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I COULD LOOK AT IT CALMY (I NEVER COULD DO IT); A SHADOW OF THE INTELLIGENCE CASTING ON MY WISHES, MY LONGING.
DAYS ARE PASSING MUCH EASIER NOW. BECAUSE I AM ACCUSTOMED? I THINK IT HAS MORE TO DO WITH LEARNING MORE, WITH BEING NOT A YARDBIRD ANYMORE. I ATTENDED NEITHER SPORTS NOR BASIC TRAINING ACTIVITIES FOR A WEEK. BUT IT IS HARDER TO WATCH, HAVING TO WATCH, MY FELLOW SOLDIERS FROM A DISTANCE THAN TO TRAIN WITH THEM. I HAD BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO LIVE BY SEPERATING MY BODY (MY TIRED, FORCED, SHAPED, ISOLATED BODY WHOSE ALTERNATIVE AND DUPLICATES ARE PRODUCED) FROM MY MIND IN A CONTINUOUS PROCESS, SO THAT I WAS CONFUSED TO WATCH THEM. NOW THAT STATE OF MIND, THAT CALMNESS OR STILLNESS SAVING ME FROM TURNING INTO A SCHIZOID BUT BEING PRONE TO BE REACTIVE CAN BE REPLACED WITH A VERY EASY TOUGHNESS, AN AGRESSIVE SARCASM OR A WARRIOR’S LAUGH WHICH PULLS ME IN.
I THINK YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE HOW CHILDISH THOSE SUPPOSEDLY ADULT MEN ARE, OR HOW THEIR VULGAR LANGUAGE BECOME THE SINGLE LANGUAGE FOR ALL PURPOSES, EVEN IF YOU SAW THEM WITH YOUR OWN EYES.
WE CAN BE VISITED EVERY DAY. AT 12 NOON AND 5:30 P.M, FOR TWO HOURS. WE ARE ALLOWED TO GO TO BURDUR AT THE WEEKENDS, FROM 9 A.M. TO 5 P.M., BUT WE HAVE TO WEAR UNIFORM; BUT WE ARE ALLOWED TO GO TO ANTALYA WITH PLAIN CLOTHES, ON THE CONDITION THAT ARRIVING THERE AT 10 IN THE MORNING AND RETURNING HERE BY TAKING THE 7:00 P.M. BUS. IT IS JUST A TORTURE TO STROLL IN BURDUR WITH UNIFORM. IT IS PROHIBITED TO TAKE OUR HATS OFF AND TO SMOKE, AND WE HAVE TO SALUTE EVERY OFFICER WE SEE, AND THERE ARE 200-300 OFFICERS HERE, IN ADDITION TO 1000-2000 PRIVATES. I WENT TO ANTALYA THE LAST WEEKEND, AND I ENJOYED IT. I WAS A CIVILIAN FOR A DAY. AND IT IS VERY INTERESTING TO NOTE THAT MY SOUL, WHICH I HAD COVERED WITH A THICK ARMOR AS I SAID AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS LETTER, BEGAN TO THINK AND LOOK AGAIN WITH ALL OF ITS HABITS. IT WAS GOOD.
IT IS ALSO POSSIBLE TO STAY IN THE BARRACKS AT THE WEEKEND, AND I THINK I WILL DO SO THIS WEEKEND BEACUSE: FIRSTLY, YOU ARE UNABLE TO VISIT ME; SECONDLY, I WONDER HOW IT WILL BE; THIRDLY, IT COSTS AT LEAST 400,000 TL TO GO TO ANTALYA. SAIME (MY ELDER BROTHER’S WIFE, THE LAST PLAYER OF THE RENTAL OPERATION I ORGANIZED) REMITTED ME SOME MONEY, BUT I WON’T BE ABLE TO RECEIVE IT BEFORE THE WEEKEND AND I DECIDED TO SPEND AS LESS AS POSSIBLE UNTIL I AM DISCHARGED. IT IS VERY INEXPENSIVE TO LIVE HERE. FOOD IS GOOD AND SUFFICIENT. OUR CANTEEN HAS PLENTY OF CHOICE AND ITS PRICES ARE UNBELIEVABLY CHEAP. I SHALL CALL YOU, AS MUCH AS I CAN. WE HAVE TO RETIRE TO THE BARRACKS BY 9:30 AT NIGHT AND BE IN THE BED BY 10. THEREFORE I CANNOT CALL HARIKA’S NUMBER TO ENJOY FREQUENT AND EASIER NIGHT CHATS WITH YOU. NOBODY KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN THE NATIONAL HOLIDAY, BUT AT THE VERY LEAST WE SHALL BE ALLOWED TO GO TO ANTALYA EVERY DAY.
...
NEXT DAY, MAY 5. I AM IN ISPARTA. I THOUGHT WE WOULD BE DISPATCHED TO A CIVILIAN HOSPITAL, BUT FOUND MYSELF IN A MILITARY ONE. THE RESIDENT ORTHOPEDIST WAS OFF DUTY. THE PHYSICIAN DID NOT NOTICE A BONE PROBLEM, SO HE PRESCRIBED ME A 4-DAY LEAVE AND TO VISIT THE ORTHOPEDIST ON MONDAY. THAT MEANS I SHALL STAY IN THE BARRACKS AT THE WEEKEND, SO THAT I SHALL TAKE A REST.
THE HOSPITAL’S GARDEN IS EMERALD GREEN, SILENT, AND PROVIDES A BROAD SKYLINE. THE SKY IS ALWAYS 180° SINCE I ARRIVED IN BURDUR. THERE IS A HIGH, STEEP AND SNOW-CAPPED MOUNTAIN IN THE DISTANCE, I DON’T KNOW ITS NAME YET, BUT WILL LEARN IT IN A MINUTE. THERE IS ALSO A VALLEY VILLAGE, A WIDE PLAIN HALF OF WHICH IS A GREEN MILITARY FIELD. I BUMPED TO A FRIEND FROM THE ACADEMY. I INFORMED HIM THAT A SCUMBAG WHO SWINDLED ABOUT 60 PAINTERS INCLUDING HIM, WHO HAD A WARRANT OF ARREST ISSUED FOR HIM BY THE PUBLIC PROSECUTOR AND IS SOUGHT BY THE POLICE FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS, WHOM I GOT TO KNOW YEARS AGO, IS SERVING TOGETHER WITH US. HE WAS ENTHUSIASTIC, AND TOLD ME THAT HE WOULD FIND THAT SCUMBAG THIS EVENING. HE GAVE ME HOPE THAT LEYLA ALATON MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN SOME OF MY PROJECTS. I THINK I SHALL VISIT HER WHEN I RETURN. WE THOUGHT ABOUT OPENING AN EXHIBITION AT THE BARRACKS. SOME JOYOUS ACTIVITIES CAN BE MADE.
IT OCCURRED TO ME NOW: WHAT ABOUT YOUR LAWSUIT? WE SPOKE THREE TIMES AND I FORGOT TO ASK ABOUT IT. I SHALL CALL YOU TOMORROW. HOW WAS YOUR TRIP TO IZMIR? MAYBE YOU WROTE ABOUT IN YOUR LETTER WHICH I STILL HAVE NOT RECEIVED. SOMEHOW I WANT TO SEND THIS LETTER BEFORE RECEIVING YOURS.
IF I WOULD NOT PAINT A SPECIFICALLY MILITARY-THEMED PICTURE, I THINK THE KHAKI WILL NOT FIND ITS WAY TO MY WORKS. I THOUGHT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN POSSIBLE TO THINK IN A CALM AND WIDE WAY HERE, BUT I WAS WRONG. OR MY STILL LEARNING MIND WILL PERHAPS LEARN TO THINK IN A SYSTEMATIC WAY, TO WRITE, TO DEVELOP A PROJECT, HOW TO SET UP, PROTECT AND MAINTAIN MY BEING, HERE.
AS I WRITE, I RETURN TO MY EYES WHICH WOULD LOOK AT THESE TWO MONTHS WITH SCORN FROM ISTANBUL, BY YOUR SIDE. I FIND ALL THE THINGS I SAID ABOUT THIS PLACE CROWDY (THIS PLACE IS VERY SILENT, JUST THE BIRDS, CARS PASSING FROM A DISTANCE, THE WIND, AND THE SUN WARMING MY BACK. TOP OF MY EARS SO SUN-BURNED THAT THEY FORMED A SCAB. THE EXPOSED PARTS OF MY BODY ARE SO SUN-TANNED THAT THEY TURNED INTO BLACK, BUT THE REMAINING PARTS ARE BREATHLESSLY WHITE. WHEN I TOOK A SHOWER FOR THE FIRST TIME HERE, I SHOUTED: “MY GOD, HOW I FORGOT THAT I HAD A BODY, SKIN AND HAIR”).
I HUSHED.
YOU ENTERED.
YOU ARE TIRED. I AM ON THE FLOOR.
I OPENED MY LEGS. YOU LEANED YOUR BACK AGAINST ME.
I EMBRACED YOU.
I TOUCHED YOUR LIPS.
YOU SOUGHT MY SKIN.
YOU TURNED.
DO YOU KNOW HOW COOL YOU ARE.
ESPECIALLY WHEN I DREAM OF YOU...
MAY MY LOVE BE WATER
BE THE NIGHT
BE THE VOICE FLOWING FROM YOUR CHEST.
–IT GROW WITH THEM–
HAKAN
58th ARTILLERY BRIGADE.
BASIC TRAINING BATTALION
1st BATTERY
BURDUR
